Thoughts from the Dark Side

I remember writing about Anxious mind v Rational mind a while back. I wrote that post while being rational. Currently, I’m not so much. So I wondered what it would be like to write from this side, so here is a post from the darker corners of my mind.

It’s very hard to currently maintain a rational mind. I can’t do it today and I’m just rational enough to recognise that I’m not really and should abstain from big decisions.

I’ve been trying to stay rational, looking after myself best I can. About a month ago I had a really tough couple of draining weeks of not enough sleep and too much pollen, the final straw being when plans to buy a home fell through leaving us back in limbo unsure of other options. Too complicated to go into and I don’t really understand all this financial stuff so I doubt I could explain it.

I had a day or so of bad headspace, then pulled myself together, ensured I booked some time off over the work placement weeks, and returned to work this week chipper and full of cope.

Then over the last week I learned the situation I’d been dreading at work was happening. My new Team Leader won’t be going for the permanent contract for reasons that I know and understand and support.

However, this plunges me back in the deep end of the anxiety pool.

I feel deflated, hollow, empty, dull and hopeless. I feel “whats the point” and “who cares” and “just leave me alone” – well, I feel those with a few choice swear words thrown in.

I feel scared, overwhelmed, stuck, don’t want to go through this again, can’t go through this again, it’s not fair to ask me to go through this again.

The first four months of this year ended with me on meds again. The fact that I’m still on the meds means I should have some more defence against the world, but I detest that this should be so – oh Tania will be okay she’s still on her happy pills so she’ll cope better this time around! Fuck that! Where’s the easing off of pressure that allows me to come off these damn things!

Meds – They do their job, I don’t have a problem with taking them, but like painkillers – I’d just rather not be in that much pain to begin with! When I’m on meds in order to deal with my job… well, that’s not good… leave the job… but I can’t just leave without having another job to go to, so I’m stuck.

I am looking for another job but the UK job market is horrific at the moment and all the time and energy I’ve put into applications this year have given me nothing, no acknowledgments, no interviews, no feedback as to why that is. I don’t know if I’m just unlucky, if I’m doing something wrong on the form or just being outshone by others. Plus I’m not completely certain what I want to go for, which means my doubts creep in to every nook and cranny of the application form.

I doubt every job I go for, both that the job will be what I need and that I will be able to do the job. With every letter I type onto a form, I feel myself cringing, doubting, pulling away. I tab out to facebook, then berate myself for wasting valuable time – don’t I know I’m on a deadline here? After getting nowhere with several applications there is also huge resentment piling up – all this time and energy and for what?! If I don’t get a reply from that job I exceeded expectations for, why should anywhere else give me the time of day?

My anxieties are running wild – after we had an intruder in our downstairs hall recently, I no longer feel safe. Last night I had a panic attack thinking someone was trying to get in – the noise was from the shop downstairs and next door and I KNEW that!! But that didn’t stop the panic rising and overflowing. I’m scared about my Hubby going away for possibly the whole of August if I panic that much over one night.

My sleep is broken, I’m more jumpy since the intruder, more aware of noise, and this leaves me even more susceptible to the insidious drip of anxious thoughts during the day.

I feel heavy, as if iron shoes are on my feet making them hard to lift, a weight is on my shoulders pushing them down and the air is thicker than usual, taking more effort to move through.

I have to take a moment to remember how to converse normally with people and not to just open my mouth and pour my grumpy shit all over them. How do people do smalltalk?! It’s a skill that doesn’t exist in this headspace.

I know that I’m performing below par and I want to scream at people to make them understand – 85% of my effort is going into holding all these thoughts back, stopping them from overwhelming me, keeping me at work and not running away, biting back each and every first response because it’s irrational and emotional (and often unfairly rude) and looking round that to see what normal replies are there, holding back the tears and keening that wants to break loose each second and I can’t let that happen at work. I don’t want to let that happen at work. That leaves 15% to talk and act normally, do my job, remember all the things that need to be remembered and try and look after myself so I don’t get worse – as I will without certain safeguards in place (basic things like eating more or less sensibly and not blotting it all out with some substance or other, sleeping and being as nice to myself as I can – or failing that letting my Hubby be nice to me!).

Is it any wonder I had a bad day at work?

So why am I writing this crap? Well, as ever, it’s cathartic for me to get it out, but also, I do hope that by sharing what I go through, it may help others who are still struggling or coming to terms with their headspaces. If you recognise yourself in my words then know that you’re not alone. If I feel it and you feel it, then many others will feel it too.

Know that this headspace doesn’t last forever – it just feels like it – that accepting this headspace doesn’t mean we agree with it or condone it, it just makes for a bit of an easier time than constantly fighting it. Who has the energy for that?! It takes all I have to stop inflicting it on others, I can’t fight it inside my head as well!

No, I give in to this headspace, I put on my “sulking like a toddler” onesie, curl up on the sofa and don’t wash the dishes. I accept I have a right to my feelings and this is what they are right now and that’s okay. Feels like shit, and that’s okay. I hate feeling like this, and that’s okay too.

Tomorrow I’ll get up and Cope. I’ll do what needs to be done to make things better. If I find that’s impossible tomorrow, then I’ll surrender again and try on Sunday. It doesn’t usually take long these days and I think that’s because I accept it more readily now. Mostly because fighting it for twenty years didn’t work so I thought I’d best try something else.

Now, what the fuck are you doing in my grumpy headspace, sod off out of here and stop making a mess!