Slipping

I was planning for my next post to be a crafting catch up, but that’s going to wait a little while longer.

I’ve become aware of something over this last week, something that my friends (as ever!) have been more aware of than me it seems. But yes, here I am struggling with the contents of my own head again.

I can feel the slipping, the sliding, the slight panic as I realise I’ve run out of cope earlier in the day than expected and planned for. The pull toward introversion, desiring to spend time alone, irritation at the world for impinging on my solitude, annoyance that people are wanting me to interact with them, and burgeoning guilt at such feelings. The dislike and distaste of it all, a feeling of ‘really? what again? now? do I really have to deal with this again now?’

And the answer is yes, yes I do. I’ve had my cheerful months, I’m only allowed so many, and then I need to tend my mental garden again, do some weeding here, baby bio the plants over there. And I resent it deeply.

I don’t want to be struggling. I’ve got too much to do, too many plates to keep spinning, too many things stating that they need more from me, more attention, more care, more time, more energy, and I feel like I’m bouncing between them all, never quite getting the balance right. If I haven’t got enough energy to deal with all the things I currently have on, how the heck am I meant to find yet more for dealing with mucky mental cupboards too?

I’m fretting over things, things said or unsaid, things done or undone. Doubt creeps in, slowly, like water under a door, until I’m up to my knees in doubt and wondering how I didn’t notice earlier. The vicious circle starts, it gets more difficult to eat, sleep and rest properly and this, of course, eats away at what energy and cope I have. Sulky thoughts are easier and more accessible and these thoughts aren’t telling me to make a proper nutritious dinner.

So, here I am writing this in order to tell myself that I’ve realised, I’ve caught myself, I’m feeling scared again – the familiar fear of not being sure that the world is how I’m experiencing it, and here I lay it out and promise to do something about it.

I WILL cope, because I want to. I’m a bit stubborn that way. This post is the first step.

The next step is, at some point over the next few days, have some time where I just lay out the contents of my head to my Hubby. I think part of why this is happening now, is that I’ve been alone for a lot of the last couple of months and while my Introvert rejoices at this, I don’t look after myself as well as I do when I’m looking after him as well. I don’t talk things out and even if I do, I stop before the mucky mental cupboard is completely clean, so some dirt remains, clogging up my thoughts. So a big brain dump on the one person who can’t get away coz this is in the small print of our wedding vows 🙂

Pride is an important factor. Developing awareness of what will truly make you proud that day. Not setting ridiculous goals that you have no hope of meeting, but looking at what will make you proud. Sometimes my list is doing some chores at home, getting something creative done, making contact with someone, starting or finishing something. But it’s important that it’s realistic and achievable. I used to make two lists, one my ideal and the other the bare minimum to get done. Of course I’d never finish the ideal list, but I would get everything on the bare minimum done and then sometimes one or two other things as well. These days (apart from having no concept of how long things take to be crocheted) I have a much better idea of what I can reasonably achieve.

Nuture is something that so easily slips and can seem like a burden sometimes. But it’s needed and it’s vital, so I must make effort to nuture myself, eat and sleep well.

And constant deep breaths, throughout the day, a deep breath and a second to remember, this too shall pass, ultimately everything is fine and every second that passes is one second closer to this dark cloud disappating.

Advertisements