Oops, Missed!

Hello Anxiety, my old friend,
Has come to mess with me again,
Because anxiety softly creeping,
Got it hooks in now I feel like weeping,
And the visions that it plants into my brain
Still remain
Within the sound of silence.

Apologies to Simon and Garfunkel for rewriting their lovely lyrics! The song pretty much fits as it is, but I felt like messing with it.

Yesterday, anxiety hit me full force. I guess I just ran out of the energy needed for keeping it at bay, and managed to completely engineer an afternoon designed to give me a panic attack!
I managed to misunderstand texts from my Mum, leading me to believe that we were going to meet in town midafternoon. Hanging about in town is not on my list of Fun Things to Do, so although I got some photo inspiration for our new home and bought a couple of things I needed, I also failed to buy my favourite Empress Grey Tea (out of stock) and failed to buy the dinner I’m cooking tonight, plus town is busy and full of people who don’t know where anything is and keep getting in my way and then when they weren’t in my way I was in someone elses…. so I fought the rising panic attack and got the hell out of dodge, feeling guilty for bailing on Mum – then of course I find out later when Mum rang me wondering what the hell all my messages were about, that I was completely mistaken and could have just gone straight home and had a lovely afternoon!

The adrenalin echoed around my system for the rest of the evening and today I feel the “hangover” that comes the day after a high hit of anxiety. It’s only quite recently that this has become a symptom for me. I honestly don’t recall this adrenalin hangover before a couple of years ago. Whether my adrenal glands are just a bit more vicious these days or my system more sensitised to it or I’m just more sensitive to the signs of it and take notice of it? I don’t know. But my cope levels are low today, a hug from my dear friend C reduced me to tears, although I noticed I shook my head violently when she encouraged me to just let go.

I know what’s going on, it’s just the mortgage and housemove. We’ve been within spitting distance of a completion date all week and being in limbo has always been worse than being in hell… I hate the not knowing… you have to try and prepare for every eventuality when in Limbo… when the shit has hit the fan then you just have to deal with a shitty fan… much easier!

I’m coming up against the part of me that doesn’t trust the world. The part of me that remembers the world being tugged out from underneath me and turning upside down on me and I just have to cope and adapt best I can… the first time that happened to me, I was 11 and learnt my Mum was never coming home again.
Over the next decade, it happened several times. Homes and relationships (of parental figures, not mine) were given and taken without a seconds warning, I sometimes started the day in one bedroom and ended it in another. Not often. But often enough that I learnt not to trust the world. Not to trust the feeling of being safe. The place that should be safe, the place you live with a parental figure (I use that term because it was my stepfather who was my sole guardian since I was 11, although he was a father to me as he’d been in my life since I was 2.5) that home had been invaded and destroyed by a bad relationship he had. I fled that place in terror after she tried to attack me and went to live with Mum where there was no place for me as she was housesitting at the time (plus, I turned up with no warning and a bag of random crap late at night when she was with her boyfriend… you can guess how welcome I felt!)

So… yeah… with this big life change and responsibility comes up some big old stuff to be felt and examined. I’m about to take a step up in life, this is how it feels. I have a (for me) well paid job that I enjoy and get a lot of satisfaction from and that I feel enriches my CV and improves future job prospects. I have a marriage that is stronger than ever having come through some rough waters. My self confidence and belief (current anxiety aside!) is at an all time high and finally having a home of our own… even if it’s a part ownership and only 40% is really “ours”… feels like we’ve finally climbed a rung on this imaginary social ladder and we are higher than we used to be.

Looking at the paragraph about the world kicking me in the teeth, it’s no wonder that I fear this happening again. That paragraph is a very rough light account of a few things from that time… it’s by no means an exhaustive list and life didn’t stop kicking me in the teeth at 21… indeed the 12 month period during which my marriage imploded and I was made redundant felt pretty toothkicky and that was within the last 5 years!

Having written this, I feel better about feeling so overcome with anxiety. I am dealing with it, there’s pretty much a constant running commentary in my head at the moment, talking me down, reminding me that ultimately everything is still okay, I’m okay, we’re okay, this will pass and I just need to keep moving through the seconds. Every second brings me closer to the answer that I want, so comfort and distract as needed. Keep doing the things that make me feel proud of myself and keep checking in, keep catching myself, keep asking these questions and keep taking note of the answers.

Everything does have a logic to it, it may not be a logic that makes rational sense to a rational brain, but it will make an emotional sense if you sit with it and note it honestly and without judgement.

And hopefully in 48 hours, I’ll have the date I need to start planning and moving forward.


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