Moving Day Thoughts.

I’m moving tomorrow. Well, pretty much, there are a couple of logisitical complications, but pretty much everything is being packed away and moved tomorrow.

I’m also in full time work all this week and on my busy week.

Of course, it’s almost impossible to concentrate and just as impossible to try and plan and think effectively. I am firmly stuck in rabbit-in-headlights mode. I apologise profusely to my husband.

I want to make this more okay for myself, I want to be able to say to me ‘look… it’s no wonder you’re struggling with this, it’s okay’ – so in order to do that I decided to write out my history of moving homes.

Going back in time from now….
– This move is because we’ve bought our own bigger non-damp-infested home, it’s a lovely move, however buying somewhere, even just 40% of somewhere is stressful. Never having bought before I have no idea of the process and am still somewhat of a NeoPhobe (fear of new things (as in things as yet unknown, not stuff that’s just been made!!)).
– The move before this was caused by being evicted from the friends flat I was subletting. I’d just started a new job and had a month to find a new home with next to no spare money.
– The move from West Hampstead to the friends flat in Brighton was caused by my breakdown. I wasn’t coping with anything, let alone organising a move and it only happened thanks to a friend stepping in and pretty much doing everything!
– The move to West Hampstead was okay actually, but living in that shared house wasn’t for me and contributed to my breakdown.
– The move to Archway was caused by my landlady’s breakdown which triggered a lot of unresolved stuff from my teenage years and my stepdads girlfriend-at-the-time.
– The move to Norbury was due to getting into drama school so exciting and bricking it!
– The move to my first rented tiny place was due to my friend lying and saying we were being evicted because she didn’t want to live with me anymore! To be fair, we aren’t suited to living together! Kinda hurt at the time though.
– The move to share with my friend was because my mum fell pregnant with my sister, I was given the choice of living with her but decided I was old enough to make my own way. A bittersweet time.
– The move to share with my mum was because my stepdad’s girlfriend-at-the-time tried to attack me. I mentioned this before, mum was flat sitting so there wasn’t space for me and I didn’t want to go back. I felt homeless for the first time – having a place to sleep didn’t mean having a home, I’d never felt that way before.
– The move to Brighton was because my stepdad wanted to pursue primal therapy here. His dad died just before we moved so it was a truly awful time for both of us and it was a couple of days before my 14th birthday which was understandably miserable and a difficult time to change schools.
– I don’t really remember moving to Beacon Lane, although it was already the fifth or sixth move in 5 years – including a 6 month stay in Sunderland when my parents split, though I was far too young to recall that. But… attachment theory would say it still had an effect on me and I’m not sure I’d argue overly much with that point, the psychopathology does fit.

Okay, moving fucks with my head. This move around, I’ve been Miss Avoidy Like The Plague. Now it’s tomorrow I can’t avoid it any longer and feel overwhelmed by the tidal wave of stuff that needs to be done and organised, packed and labelled. I still want to avoid, every cell of me is wanting to find a way of not going home and packing and thinking about it all, but it has to be done.
One item at a time I guess! Soon comes the nice part of choosing lovely new things to be in our lovely new home!
And in the meantime, the anxiety levels are to be expected…